Sunday, November 21, 2010 @12:46 AM
and yes i am back!i know how you enjoy reading my entry so i decided to just blab on nonsense.
well.. can you believe it.
i survived o levels!
yes i did not commit suicide
yes i didnt have a nervous breakdown
yes i didnt have a sudden blackout in any papers
i just went with the flow
AND I AM FREAKING ALIVE!
rejoice!
so 2010 is coming to an end..
it has been a good year i guess..
it was boring at first and then the typical bitch conflict began.
oh well i guess it's just us girls.
we need to have a conflict each year to keep our ego going
i mean i have to admit.
there isnt a year, in my life, that went through without a conflict.
oh well. all in all it's still a good year.
I AM FINALLY OUT OF BEDOK VIEWW WHEEEHEEE!!!!
graduated like FINALLY. it's surprising how time really just pass you by without you even realizing. so many things changed. you see the people around you change. you see yourself change. and sometimes you look in the mirror and go, WHO IS THAT. we all have that moment. i guess everyone goes through that transition. it's a secondary school thing i guess. i remember the length of my skirt in primary school never went above my knees. yeahhh this is how much i changed.
change is good i guess.. it makes you feel like you're all grown up. I AM FREAKING 16!!! going on 17~ this holiday.. is a life changing event. i'm gonna go for a makeover kinda shit. i wanna change myself. i look back and i go. omg... is that really me. i make stupid mistakes.. and realise how childish i was. mmm not exactly very proud of my past decisions.. :/
it's kinda early to do a end of the year reflections right? xD i guessed so too.. but there's nothing much to write since i've been hiding myself at home. not wanting to see the new world and what is out there.. cause i dont feel like going out with my face like this..
REGRET. gawwd this word is probably the worst in the vocab world.
there are so many things i regret.
like
eating too much during my exams due to stress..sighh.. it's hard to go back to normal now that i have gain weight. (though i never really weighed myself :/) I DONT DARE OKAY. i am scared of that freaking scale. i can SEE the results and.. also FEEL. when i feel better of myself, that means i lost weight (: JANG
mmmm been really bothered lately... it never really bothered me that i am like.. bigger than the others (i'm putting it very nicely) but for the past few days.. it really hit me.
people always comment. EUNICE YOU'RE SO FAT (indirectly) ever since i had some major weight gain in p5. and in p6 i was... freaking massive. (shall upload a picture for evidence) people always say how fat i was.. giving me names.. but it never really bothered me. i just shrugged it off (for almost.. 5 years?) i continued eating.. and eating.. i never become anorexic or bulimic. cause seriously it never bothered me at all. that i was fat. but i guess i blame the hormones and the age.. i came to secondary school. (been called names again) then i heard some success storied of weight loss and was very tempted to lose weight. and so i was on the journey of losing weight.
there was basketball practice... and i started running (i never passed my 1.6km run i primary school) but that never made me lose weight. it was when i was in sec 2 i became really ill.. i didnt eat.. i always puke. and this lasted for 4-5 days. that was my "turning point" i cant remember how much weight i lost but i know that i lost quite a bit. so i was happy. (duh) and i started being complacent and continue to eat. I LOVE FOOD THAT MUCH. cant blame me.
then sec 3 was my peak year i would say. i felt slim for once. but.. it was only lasted for a while before i started eating again. and i gained weight. then came sec 4. o level year. i kinda knew i will gain weight. i was mentally prepared for that. and so i did.
i thought i wont be bothered by it. but i was wrong.. i am bothered by the fact i look like shit. seeing photos of me. i feel disgusted and ashamed of myself. i never felt so low before. i thought after o levels i will be as high as the sky. but no. actually i felt worse. i cant even look in the mirror now. cause all i see is a fat blob. sigh.
what made me feel worse is not me. but the people around me. sorry i have to say this. i am not pinpointing anyone specifically i am saying in general. i guess you have to give credit to the media for doing a great job in instilling the image of a perfect body into a young girls mind. through kpop for example. girls are always jealous after they see their idols being so skinny.. so sexy. and how guys drool over them. treating them like goddess.. and it's not only the guys who act like that. now. even some girls act like that. treating them as role models. treating them as a figure. of a perfect body.
so if you hear any girl saying, I AM SO FAT COMPARED TO ____, LOOK AT MY ARM/THIGHS AND LOOK AT HERS, MINE LOOK SO ENORMOUS, blablabla. they no longer exercise or lose weight to attract guys, but the do this in order to be accepted in this materialistic world.
even though they may skinny as hell. you can still hear them say those words. am i annoyed? am i bothered? FUCK YEAH. i mean they are already skinny, and FINE do they have to make me feel like i am the fattest in the room? so kudos to the media. for making me feel like i am some fat blob. i hear one of my cousin who is so freaking skinny. like she is gonna break anytime, say that she is FAT. at that moment i can really feel my heart shatter. and that was when she knew about kpop.
i really dont understand these people. i honestly dont. sometimes i pity these kind of people. cant blame them for having such low self esteem. i know that now i sound like i have low self esteem. but trust me. i have one of the highest self esteem anyone can ever imagine. so dont judge what i write.
i cant seem to think what to write next. so i guess this is the end of my entry. gonna go jogging now. though it really doesnt work. but. it keeps my heart healthy. sighsighsighsighsigh. i dunno what's wrong with me. but i know there's a lot of grammatical error in my post. and my english sounds a bit off. cause i honestly cant be bothered about it.
so just "tahan" yeah.
mmmmmmmm... i dunno what to think anymore.
